i see him suffering. i see the his strength, but then i also see his weakness.
i see how terrified he is. i see how he wants to take all the responsibility, but then how he also wants nothing to do with it.
he is hurting. he is sore. he is scared.
i feel useless. i don’t know what to do. telling the strong boy that, with my whole heart, i love him, is not enough.
nothing i say or do is enough. i don’t know how to make him feel better. i haven’t seen him smile all week.
i want to fix this, but i can’t. i want to help him, but i am useless.
i love you, and that is all i can do, and that is all i want to do, and is all i will do.
i love you.
a lost hero
"you cannot save the world"
i have never heard him speak so seriously to me. he looked at me as if i was a bird with a broken wing. he frowned. i felt so juvenile.
my hero, the one i was most proud of, broke my heart.
what is wrong with wanting to see the world? wanting to help the world? wanting to show the world love? show people love? help people. experience.
nothing. i know that there is nothing wrong about having those desires. i know that there is nothing wrong with wanting to give a little kindness to the world?
but hearing, from my hero, that it would be a waste of time, hurt.
after he asked me, “what, are you going to cry about it?”, i swallowed back my tears and answered, “no. i am not going to cry. crying shows weakness.” and he replied, “yes.”
i feel broken and sad. i feel lost and confused. i feel sad and pathetic. i feel hero-less.
don’t ask me how i am feeling because i do not know the answer.
all i can tell you is that i am fine and i am happy(ish) and that my smile is not as fake as it use to be.
i can tell you that i value the people in my life more than i ever have.
i can tell you that i am proud that i do not hurt myself anymore.
i can tell you that i want several tattoos and a new piercing.
i can even tell you my deepest, darkest fears.
but ask me how i am feeling? why, i cannot tell you that. i am smiling. i am thinking. i am confused. my thoughts are all in a scramble. i have happiness, then sadness, then frustration, then satisfaction, all within a few seconds. over and over and over again.
my mind is one big glob, much like me
and i don’t want to talk about how i am feeling.
there was nothing golden about that moment.
emotional. physical. lovely. sore.
he who has control over me does not possess all the power. i smile. i am me. i am golden for me. me for him. yes yes yes. yes, i am shinny in your eyes. no no no, i am not shinny in my eyes.
but i am okay. it is okay. everything is going to be okay.